this morning i woke up at 4 am, unsure of what to do.  There's been so much doing around here lately and I'm tired.  We've worked tirelessly on the house for the last 7 days and last night was the first night I sat in my home, alone, in weeks.  Maybe i was unsettled, like something was forgotten, but as i crawled back in bed i realized that also for the first time... everything was quiet.  this isn't a quiet neighborhood and i've grown so used to listening to the laughter, the car alarms, the firecrackers that fill this area from morning to night all summer long.  but at 4 a.m... there was nothing.  and when i suddenly couldn't hear anything ... i strained to find something.  Everything  has been set into motion for a few weeks and we're down to the last of things to have done before the house is on the market.  all that's on my list is to iron/hang some curtains in the dining room and mop the floors.  this doesn't seem like much but if you had seen my list a few weeks ago you'd understand why even having just two more small things to do is starting to irritate me.  i'm ready to close this chapter, move and move on.  more than a few people have said that i should wait this market out, wait until it gets better, but i started this and it's slowly wearing me out.  it's been one of the most stressful things that i've gone through and it would make any persons head spin out of control.  so should i wait?  no, i can't.  because i'm tired and i need the noise in my head to also be silent and then, when there's silence, i will sleep comfortably with someone i love very much holding me tightly.

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this is one of those long weeks - the 14 days living out of a suitcase when on day 10 I finally finish doing one load of laundry and do my happy dance because i have clean underwear.   we had a whirlwind weekend starting last tuesday for my birthday.  i woke up with the offer of mimosas and a gift certificate for an hour/half massage, mani/pedi and body wrap - i'm saving it for sometime when i really need such pampering.  we dressed for dinner, had a lovely time on state street and just when thing were winding down in bed i reminded him there was still an hour left.  next thing you know the champagne was pouring.  fabulously luxurious birthday.  for his birthday i booked a room at The Pfister in Milwaukee for Friday night because we'd be spending the afternoon/evening at Summerfest and ultimately at the Rush concert.  This, I found out the next night at Rhythm and Booms, makes me a kick-ass girlfriend.  Especially my little rendition of how Rush sounds.  It involves a lot of tongue rolling I cannot demonstrate here.  Visit me someday in my car and I'll be happy to give an encore. 

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i've mentioned here and there that change is hard.  maybe i grew up with the idea that things should always be consistent and reliable and that holidays will always involve alcohol and that driving to see the one that i love will always mean that it's pouring rain, snowing, or every semi driver is intent on taking both lanes at exactly 62 m.p.h...

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on the morning of 3/25, as my grandmother held his hand, my grandfather took his final breath.  with a tear in his eye and the words caught in his throat, he finally rested after months of the kind of pain that comes only with being old.  he wasn't sick.  just 87.  it was a long week and i'm grateful that my family is extraordinary in the way that we know how to comfort each other, say the right things, and hold each other up.  I'm glad for the S.O. making it down after i made my way back up from Iowa city, just after leaving from easter weekend.  having him there, holding my hand, made it a little more tolerable.

last night i dreamed my other grandfather was also dying when in reality he died when i was almost 6.  i have faint memories of him, of being allowed to scamper along the counters and raid the cupboards for whatever breakfast we wanted.  we have many pictures of him as well, which seems to have led to a very vivid dream where he was 'going fast', the nurses said, and we had to get to the funeral home.  he was lying in his casket, waiting to die.  i asked him why and he smiled up at me and said he wanted to get comfortable before moving on.  he knew me.  recognized me.  we all waited in the pews, he'd twitch a leg, and we'd wait a little longer.  then he'd get up and come sit by us.  reassuring us that he was going to be ok. and that we would too. 

it was a strange and beautiful dream all at once but all i could think when i woke up is 'no way work is gonna buy i've got another dead grandfather to bury the week after the last'...  and with that sigh of relief i remembered the details more clearly and am somehow glad for them.

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there's a point when i'm travelling between MN, and WI, and IA that i wonder what it's all for.  and as this is my first 'day' home in almost 3 weeks i question the fact that i've accomplished close to nothing more than half a pack of cigarettes and a full pot of coffee.  this afternoon i'm on the road again for the week for work and for what it's worth... i wonder if it's worth it at all.  i miss the boy, the sleeping in, the fires in the fireplace and the blankets draped over our bodies in the dark during the movie.  i wonder if i still have to pick up my mail or if it's still being held at the post office.  i wish the cat didn't think she ran the house but hell, she's the one that's here the most.  i wonder how it is that i left with 10 pairs of socks and returned with 2 mismatched by color and style.  what bills haven't i paid.  do i even know how to get where i'm going on this trip?  sometimes i think i'm just going to end up in the wrong city.  in the wrong state.  and i almost wish it'd happen because right now?  i could use a good laugh.

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long distance relationships are hard.  everyone knows this.  and the people who tell me 'you can't live like this' because i chose to leave at 5 a.m. Monday morning rather that drive Sunday night just so that I could have one more delicious night of sleep wrapped in his arms obviously is lacking something in their relationship or don't know that this kind of sleep is the best sleep i've ever had.  and it's hard to leave knowing i won't see him for at least another week and a half until we come together for Thanksgiving.  but i think it'd be less difficult if there weren't this weekend seperating us when we're just 4 hrs apart and fully capable of hopping into a car and making the drive.  the rational side of me knows that i need to take care of things long neglected around my house but the cranky side of me, the one who hasn't had a decent night sleep since last Sunday night, is still considering the logistics of a drive down there after work tonight.  maybe if there were the cost of a plane ticket seperating us, i wouldn't spend hours considering the consequences of a winter where the gutters didn't get cleared out.

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it's always interesting to get to know co-workers.  especially so when they're nowhere within physical distance of you.  i've gone through this before but in sort of an opposite way where i worked with people that were far but had some that were close and this time i'm the one that's just completely removed.  and i'm ok with this.  except that i don't know any of my team well enough to just fire off a message that simply asks 'is it at all possible that <name not included> is just an unreasonable ass?'.  my instinct says yes and i suspect others would agree.  still, at the risk of offending someone i'll keep the thought to myself, work off this assumption and move on.  getting them all figured out at this rate may take years.

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i'm a packer fan.  it occurred one hungover sunday when i lived in soma.  we scouted the neighborhood for food.  something greasy.  something that worked well with alcohol.  and we found a bar called Zekes down on 3rd street near townsend.  it's been awhile so a precise location is unknown but i'm sure it's still there.  we walked into a maze of  green and gold.  there were people of all ages.  there was a packer game on and the bar was filled with packer fans.  i thought i saw my mother.  i was hooked.  another packer fan was created.

the S.O. is a broncos fan.  given that he was raised and lives in WI it's difficult for me to understand how it came to be that so much was put on the line for last nights game.  a deal was made and the insanity began.  i was forced to go to the packer bar here in minneapolis because the network retards took away my ability to watch it with the basic cable i pay very little for each month.  i don't watch games there unless i have to.  i hate going out on work nights.  but this was important.  valueable things were at stake.  the bar was in full force and as we tied the game with one play early in the 1st quarter i realized wonderful guy was not going to answer his phone.  he's cute, even when he's in a compromising situation.  but as usual, i realize why it is i love watching the game at this bar.  the people, in our safe haven filled with packer fans and the one rogue vikings fan, are what makes packer fans unique.  it's when you're standing outside having a cigarette and a touchdown is scored in overtime that wins the game and people you've never met grab you and hug you and high five you and shed tears with you do you realize... there's no other team like this one.  and i don't care where i live, i'm sure there's a packer bar everywhere in the world.

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i've started my new job and recalling why it is that people complain about work.  it's all i complain about these days.  ask anyone.  but it's good to have structure again - the alarm clock, the commute (which thank god is short), the surly looking receptionist and lunch room people that stare at me like my zipper is down, the cubicle, the gym, the homemade dinner, the bedtime.  these are my every day.  and then there is the weekend spent in bed with the wonderful one.  i live for the weekends now. 

its an adjustment to be sure.  i've never worked in a cube farm and i've never worked around people that don't actually have anything to do with my job.  two different worlds collide but i'm hoping to adjust.  i'm not sure how to do that but tonight i'm going to buy a plant and try to pretend it's comfortable here.

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just last week i was offered a job and last night as i sipped wine with the ladies, a pal and i were reflecting on how quickly life can take its turns and place you right where you want to be.  3 months ago i was unhappy and overworked, in badly need of a change and fortunately the universe threw me that laid off curve ball and things took a turn for the better.  if you told me 3 months ago that i would be enjoying months of summer bliss with a wonderful guy, enjoying the freedom that comes without job stress later to be hired by the company of my dreams - i would have bitterly laughed and assumed that life just couldn't be that easy.  but it was and here i am. 

a start date is pending on a request for office space so for now i'm still able to really wrap up the loose ends - those things that i figured i'd really get to do without work getting in the way.  not so surprising, very little was accomplished these last few months as my priorities really fell into one category - how much time can i spend visiting this wonderful person that lives just a bit too far away?  it took a few days back this week from madison to fall into a productive mode of getting things done but at 10:30 this morning, as a poured my 3rd cup of coffee, i stood back and admired the fact that there isn't a single article of clothing not ironed, folded, hung or put away where it belongs.  the suitcases are actually in the closet once again, and while it's a little saddening, it's kind of nice not living out of a suitcase, even if for only this week.

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